My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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