I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
