did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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