I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
