I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
