girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
