Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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