I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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