The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
