i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize