Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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