Can i not drive my cunt home
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
