when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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