My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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