I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
