Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
