You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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