Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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