Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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