i want to swaddle you in tequila
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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