New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
