Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
