dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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