Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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