i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
