I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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