Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
