i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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