In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
