i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
