My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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