So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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