Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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