Got a toothbrush?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
