She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
