I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
