i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We need a shit load of segways right now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
