I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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