I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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