when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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