between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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