This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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