I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
