Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
