good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
