So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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