I just made out with a guy for $7.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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