Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
