Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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