im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
