Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
