I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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