He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
