Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
