When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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