I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am spending my child support on dildos
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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