Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
