I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
