god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
