the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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