If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We had to coat check the pizza.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
