I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize