She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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