Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
