my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
