I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i now understand why vodka
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize